We have all heard of the ethical and moral expression related to ‘the Golden Rule’ at home, at school, at work and/or out in the community: Treat others the way you want to be treated. It means offering kindness toward others while also avoiding harming others; it also includes understanding that others will approach you in the same manner. The underlying essence of the rule guarantees mutual respect and fairness.
But, could there be more to the rule than at face-value?!?! With anything in psychology, there is always more that lies beneath the surface. Individual differences across people do exist - we do not all think, feel, and behave in the same way even given similar circumstances. Treating everyone the same may not be the best course of action.
What if the baseline by which an individual wants to be treated is limited, extreme, or negative?!?! That would not be good at all. Their behavior towards others might mirror such actions, which could ultimately negate ‘the Golden Rule’ of doing no harm, being kind, and showing respect. Treating others in a manner that is ideal and appropriate for them similar to oneself is better and fairer.
So, let’s consider a different perspective: Instead of treating others how you want to be treated vs. lean into treating others based on how they want to be treated by first understanding their boundaries and expectations that are communicated. The key word here: Communicated either verbally or non-verbally with actions, gestures, and/or facial expressions.
More importantly, teaching children and adolescents to understand this above distinction will improve their own social-emotional skills, including their own self-awareness and social awareness, even if they have difficulties at first. Such skills are rooted in the concept of ‘Theory of Mind’ in that kids have to understand that other people can have different thoughts, feelings, moods, motivations, attitudes, and beliefs. These skills also epitomize character and integrity, build trust, and reduce unwanted conflict.
But, how can kids learn how to implement ‘the Golden Rule’ with this unique perspective?!?! How can kids learn about reciprocity, empathy, perspective-taking, and setting and respecting boundaries?!?! The good news: The adults in the lives of kids can teach and reinforce such skill development; practicing such skills will serve kids well into adulthood.
The following practical tips are just a few ways as a starting point for building these ‘the Golden Rule’ skills:
Tip 1: When in doubt, ask the person and seek to understand: “What do you need? What do you want? What can I do differently or next time?”
Tip 2: Stop, count to 10 slowly with eyes closed, and ‘put yourself in their shoes’ before responding.
Tip 3: T.H.I.N.K. before you speak: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
Tip 4: Give something every time you get something (e.g., a Thank you, a phone call, a text, a note, a token of appreciation, a gift, an offer to help, extend an invite, choose a preferred activity or conversation topic, etc.)
Tip 5: Avoid assumptions - things are likely never what they seem to be!
Tip 6: Remind yourself to remove ‘...to me’ from any narrative, action, or reaction since their story is not your story (e.g., “NAME did this ‘to me’” vs. “NAME did this”).
Tip 7: Be honest when communicating your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants - and remember that no one is a mind reader!
Tip 8: Be present and truly listen as opposed to waiting to respond.
Tip 9: Sharing is truly caring! Taking turns and waiting your turn without interruption goes a long way in conversation, in play, in school, in work, and in life in general.
Tip 10: Take care of others’ property, belongings and space as though it was yours.
The best thing about ‘the Golden Rule’ is that it is truly golden - if children and adolescents learn to implement this rule, they are able to protect and advocate for themselves while respecting others.
